Coronation Crown – hardly used

Some man-sized [REDACTED] came through my back door. He was awfully persuasive, and sold me a crown. If anyone would like to take it off my hands, it would be appreciated.

He told me it extended your life by two minutes every time someone says “God Save the King/Queen!” (depending on if you’re male or female, respectively.) I rushed to hospital, where my mother was staying, and placed it on her head, and she got better in minutes. So that bit works, I guess.

However, he didn’t tell me that it also puts you under mind control of what I assume is the [REDACTED] government, and God knows what they want.

So yeah, if you want to live forever but as a [REDACTED] slave, this might be the thing for you. Accepting any reasonable offer, send me a fax at [REDACTED], since those things have tapped my internet and my phone line.