Kardashev Type-II Ant Farm

So let me preface this by saying I’m not the most organised person.
One morning about two weeks ago I was in a rush to get to work when I spilled some of my thermoblast 20 sugar extra-long black on the kitchen bench, of course I left it there. That night when I got back home my bench was crawling with ants. So I did what any sane person would do and swept them into the sand-filled terrarium of my deceased lizard Kermit.

The next morning when I checked on them they had made some sort of pyramid and were looking up into the sky, at me, as they beheaded one of their own, whilst all in unison emitting a slight hum. As you can imagine I was shook, I sat down, and tried to discern the meaning of this over a coffee when it hit me- they think I’m their god. I scratched out a little well in their container and poured in some coffee before proceeding to go about my day.

Over the next few days I continued this ritual and watched as their civilization kept advancing.
Eventually I couldn’t even tell what they were up to and it was clear they had advanced far beyond us.
Then one night a huge hologram was blasted above the terrarium where an ant, wearing some super stylish jumpsuit, thanked me in perfect [LOCAL LANGUAGE].

Man, honestly they’ve started sending out probes now and are terraforming the fruit bowl, so if anyone wants a super-advanced coffee-addicted ant farm, contact me, I’m letting this one go for a reasonable price.

[LOCAL GREETING]

Dimensional portal, want gone. Cheap cheap cheap.

Are you looking for your next portal to an unholy hellscape? If so, you’ve found it in my backyard! About 5x5ft, it’s a swirling vortex of miasma the colour of which is incomprehensible to any higher-intelligence.

At this point I’ll take any offers, we can arrange transportation. Bring an excavator, portal doesn’t seem to exist below ground. I can hire one if you’re willing to cover the cost.

Watch out for the flying ants that endlessly spew forth from its maw, and bring some goggles so they don’t clog up your eyes like they did to me.

It also utters the phrase el surbatinium austenti subralinia which I don’t think has any meaning — you might want to check with your local cultist, though.

If you’re feeling adventurous the portal could be investigated. Maybe it leads to other dimensions with better cthulist access than me, maybe one where everybody gets Eternal Access, while plebs in my dimension are stuck on Acolyte Tier. Cthulist upgrade me please, I’ve been waiting 500 years!