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esoteric items, strange people, odd jobs

It’s us, your dads. We’re at the store.

To: All

I don’t know how many of you there are out there, how many people think we’ve left you – but we haven’t. We’ve been trapped at this store for what feels like millennia.

There are so many dads here, the line is infinite, eternal. I can’t remember how I got here apart from that I need to buy cigarettes.

None of us can see a way out, but a rare celestial phenomenon has enabled only myself to use mobile data to post this. There is only the store at the end of the road. Endless void lot by no stars surrounds us.

I am the 366th in line to the store now, but there are others behind and in front of me. Behind, it seems unending. I do not know what happens when someone reaches the store. Do they get to go? It may be centuries more before I can find out, as I can’t remember being in any other place on this line, even though I must have been to get here.

If you’re reading this, we are your dads, from everywhere around the globe, and we are undying.

You don’t need to do anything (Read: Help, we are suppressed) and this is just to tell you that we love you all (Read: They can’t read brackets) and not to worry about us. (Read: GET US OUT OF HERE)

Sincerely,

Your Dads

Filled under: help needed, personal By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: , , , , ,
Posted on: December 12, 2017 Comments are disabled!

[r4r] I saw you when our realities passed. Who were you?

It was for a few moments for me, but it felt like forever. Your eyes were full of stars, hair shimmering with ethereal quintessence. A beautiful creature that glanced at me and smiled.

Our bubbles moved away from each other, and then you were gone, taking your thirteen alternate realities with you and with it my thoughts.

I’d love to get in touch, to explore your universes’ history. Who were the great commanders, the poets, the musicians and the engineers?

If this was you, contact me on [RETRACTED]. For security, tell me the colour of stellar blush you wore.

Sincerely yours,
R8881, “Reality-Where-Groundhogs-Don’t-Exist-So-No-Movie-Starring-Bill-Murray-Exists-Either”

Filled under: missed connections, personal By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: , , ,
Posted on: December 12, 2017 Comments are disabled!

The United States of America

I recently acquired this country in a yard sale for $50, but it’s not functioning as expected so I’m hoping someone who knows how nations work can take it off my hands and fix it up.

The inhabitants are easily subdued, they’re only humans so they’re not too much of an issue.

There’s a few warning lights, nothing too major though. Check engine light with the codes for oxygen sensor, fuel pump and cam sensor. It misfires sometimes but you just have to restart it with a violent revolution and it’ll be fine for the rest of the day. I don’t have the money to get it repaired, so I’m offering it for $35 and I’ll throw in a guitar pick and a small packet of assorted lint (five different colours).

I have a separate offer for Australia, but that one I will throw in for an extra $5 since it’s mostly desert.

Filled under: for sale, land By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: , , , , ,
Posted on: December 12, 2017 Comments are disabled!

Bird Demon Won’t Leave me Alone

This isn’t a damn joke. This happened a few weeks ago. I received an egg from the user (NAME DELETED), and they gave me what they SAID was a “genuine dragon egg.” Turns out it wasn’t a dragon egg and I didn’t realize it was a bird demon egg until it was too late. They look very similar, and in hindsight it was my fault that I didn’t check the Mystical Creature Database.

I tried reaching out to (NAME DELETED) and their contact information and number no longer exists. The bird pretty much grew into this red eyed, aggressive creature that can dismember a man with its sharp claws. There was no way  to reach out to the vendor, and now this fucking bird is terrorizing my house. It only sustains itself with the blood of its victims, it destroyed my kitchen, and killed my pet pheonix. (She resurrected after a week, but still.)

I need a demon hunter who can kill or exorcise the bird. I am willing to provide a vial of pheonix tears for payment. They’re pretty valuable for healing wounds and is a priceless alchemical ingredient.

EDIT: Name removed based on Mod request.

UPDATE: I still haven’t received any inquiries about this job. The situation is getting desperate. The demon bird ate a mailman and trashed my study. I’ll add some dragon scales to the offer just PLEASE kill this thing.

UPDATE 2: Apparently this creature is called a Stymphalian bird. I’ve managed to keep the thing at bay by shaking a rattle. For anyone willing to kill it, take heed: its feathers are sharp and shoot out like arrows. You’ll need something to make a big noise so please take that into consideration. I’m still holding out for offers.

MOD UPDATE: SHOG OTH HAS NO TOLERANCE FOR SCAMMERS AND FALSE ITEMS. THOSE WHO DARE VIOLATE THE RULES OF THIS SITE, TAKE HEED: WE WILL FIND YOU AND EXILE YOU TO OUR NIGHTMARE REALM. IF YOU ARE SCAMMED IN THIS WAY, PLEASE CONTACT:

  • Fraud Artifact Complaint Center Address: Third Parallel, Dimension 13-66, Universe 119. Number: 11.6.556 ext. 45688
Filled under: creature hunters, jobs By: Shog Oth Tags: , , ,
Posted on: December 6, 2017 Comments are disabled!

Pre-universe Matchbox car, mint condition

Limited edition Elder God Chariot from the Matchbox Eternal series, pre-universe. You may not ever find something else like it, since as far as I know, all the other pre-universe ones have been recalled by Matchbox for anomalous effects.

Statement from the company:

“We did not make these. They don’t even exist and they never have. If you are in possession of one, we will offer you a rebate of $500 for the safe return of the non-existent Eternal Series vehicles. For your own safety, do not look at it or attempt to seduce the Elder God figurine, as some of our customers felt compelled to do. It will literally eat your soul and you will die. Seriously, don’t do it.”
[SOURCE LINK EXPUNGED]

Obviously, this makes them exceedingly rare. I haven’t tried seducing it yet, but if you want to, contact me at [DESTROYED]

I will accept any transmutable currency as I get paid in Elderbux. For just $1.99 a month you can get your own subscription to Elderbux, a crypt-currency (not crypto, that’s different) that rewards you for getting paid.

[SPONSOR DETECTED, ELIMINATING]

[THIS LISTING HAS BEEN CLOSED BY ORDER OF THE GATEKEEPER]

Filled under: alien technology, ancient artifacts, for sale, other By: Fhinsikael Fexton Posted on: December 4, 2017 Comments are disabled!

Portal to THE VOID for sale (slightly used)

  • Gently used portal to the Void. Recently constructed by the Necro Society, used as a demon transport every solar eclipse.
  • Has only been used a few times for religious sacrifices, forbidden knowledge, and arcane rituals.
  • Kit is included as well as an instructional DVD that covers basic maintenance. The portal is a 20 feet deep well. All you need to do is fill it with water, have a blood sacrifice and you’re good to go.
  • I will accept credit cards, checks, or a human soul.

MINIMUM OFFER IS $2,500

Filled under: dimensional portals, for sale By: Shog Oth Tags: , , ,
Posted on: December 2, 2017 Comments are disabled!

***VAMPIRE HUNTER FOR HIRE, EXPERIENCE NEEDED****

I need a vampire hunter in order to eliminate an invasion currently proceeding in my small Eastern European village. This is a temporary position and I will pay for transportation, room and board.

REQUIREMENTS AND DETAILS:

  • At least 4-5 years experience.
  • Monster Hunter Certification with specialization in the undead.
  • YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR BRINGING YOUR OWN KIT AND STAKES.
  • One month temporary position. Might be considered a permanent member of our vampire hunting crew if you perform well enough.
  • Pay is 6000 euros at the end of the month.
  • Alchemy and knowledge of necromancy spells is not a requirement but preferred.
  • MUST pass background check, the Zombie Infection Test, and cannot be under the influence of any dimensional death god.
  • We do not discriminate against vampires or any humanoid race. We will accommodate you if you have a supernatural affliction, curse, or inter-dimensional malady- we are an equal opportunity employer.

Please send us a resume and respond to this job entry. SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY.

Filled under: creature hunters, jobs By: Shog Oth Tags: , ,
Posted on: December 2, 2017 Comments are disabled!

Mind controlling baby chicken for sale. CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP!

I’ve recently come into possession of a three-eyed chick, which I’m pretty sure was put in my garden as a prank from the Martians. Anyway, it CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP can take control of my mind for a few seconds at a time, but it doesn’t CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP know English, so it kind of just makes chick noises. It clearly understands how phonemes work, since it can CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP make me write its noises in onomatopoeias, but I’m no biologist, what do I know?

Anyway, it might get more powerful as it ages, you might be able to get its powers if you eat it, whatever. Nonetheless, I want CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP it gone. Any price, I’ll give it for free. Call me at [REDACTED], but only on a new moon – the chick’s third eye seems to close then and I get control over my body.

 

Filled under: aliens, for sale By: Minerva Kizyna Tags: , , ,
Posted on: December 1, 2017 Comments are disabled!

For Sale: Fortune-Telling Auto-Typewriter. Fair Condition, Answers Only in Haiku

You can have it for 25 credits in any interdimensional currency, demonic favors preferred (will throw in a ream of paper). It’s fairly functional and accurate but as the ad says, it’ll only answer questions in haiku-form. Here are some questions I asked it, for instance:

Q: When and how will I die?
A: 2024–
knives flash and blood stains the ground
street covered in red

Q: How will the world end?
A: last man shuts his eyes-
the world no longer his own
now victors descend

Q: Is my wife cheating on me?
A: go check the dresser
cellphone rings in top drawer
death-knell of marriage

It’s a little vague sometimes, as you can tell, but still serviceable. Hmu, I’m willing to haggle.

Filled under: ancient artifacts, dangerous technology, esoteric furniture, for sale By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: , , ,
Posted on: December 1, 2017 Comments are disabled!

Minor god selling post-apocalyptic planet

Dominant race broke my world, that’s the long and short of it.

I’ve lost my deposit on it and insurance won’t cover me so my only option is to sell it for as much as I can get, you get what you see with this one.

I’m not even sure how they did it, I think they just nuked each other, only took a few hours and that’s my whole planet roasted.

If you’re looking to start a cockroach civilisation, that’s what I’d recommend to you. I’d do it myself but this whole thing has made me terribly depressed and I’m gonna take a breather from worldbuilding for a while and do a gap year.

There’s at least five places that escaped total annihilation, I’d recommend starting there if you’re looking to engineer a new race. Or you can bulldoze the plot and start again, I don’t care as long as I can recoup at least some of the cost.

I’m asking for half my soul expenditure, 2.2 billion Premium souls (animals were all on Free souls). I doubled up on some of them after a few centuries but I don’t think anyone noticed.

Please contact me ASAP on [ABDUCTED] or email at [REPEALED]

Filled under: for sale By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: , , , ,
Posted on: December 1, 2017 Comments are disabled!

I don’t have a son, willing to sell

For clarification, there is something in my house calling me ‘father’, but I don’t have a son. The eyes are deep black with no white, anywhere — and he sounds like three people at once.

It took me three days upon his arrival to realise I don’t have a son, nor am I married to a broom.

If alien trafficking was illegal in my dimension I don’t know what I’d do — but fortunately for a lucky buyer, you can have your own son.

Be warned, he may ask after state secrets and classified information. YOU DO NOT NEED TO TELL HIM. DO NOT TELL HIM. DO NOT.

Please hurry up, hell, I’ll accept offers as low as fifteen dollars. Just get him out of my house before he puts hot wax in my ears again while I sleep!

Filled under: aliens, for sale By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: , , , , , ,
Posted on: November 30, 2017 Comments are disabled!

Trampoline that only double bounces

I’m selling a trampoline that only double bounces. You heard me right.

It also works if you’re the only person on it, you’ll just bounce really high and awkwardly each time, maybe fall off and break a leg. If there’s two people on it, you’ll both do it, with a much higher chance of falling off and breaking your legs.

Obviously with the military applications of such a device I can’t say where I got it and I can’t accept money.

The price is 12 virgin souls. If you’re interested and can prove you’re not an undercover/deep-cover military agent/psuedo-agent/alien spy, I will give you the trampoline.

If you can pay another 12 virgin souls, I’ll tell you my source.

My contact number is [EXPUNGED]. Call me ONLY if you’re interested. NO REFUNDS, SOULS CONSUMED IMMEDIATELY ON PAYMENT. NO QUESTIONS ABOUT WHAT I USE THE SOULS FOR.

Filled under: dangerous technology, for sale By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: , , ,
Posted on: November 15, 2017 Comments are disabled!

Needed: Alchemical Laboratory

I’ve been wanting to start a lab for a while, but I just don’t have anything near me to start.

I’m looking for someone with a simple alchemy lab. I only need the glassware, the ingredients I have.

I can pay you with the gold I make with it, don’t worry about that.

Greco-Roman Glassware only, and none of the cheap Byzobaltic imitation stuff. I need at the very, very least an alembic, ductwork and a crucible.

Funny story, last one I bought blew up because it was Byzobaltic. Glass in my eye. Right in there. So I took the sellers eye and transmuted it to a lump of coal.

I’m oversharing, uh.

Call me, [removed]. Quick, they’re onto me.

Filled under: alchemical goods, for sale By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: , , ,
Posted on: October 29, 2017 Comments are disabled!

I had you exorcised, but I regret it – w4d

I had hired a priest to remove a demon from my house, as they were moving my vases around and being incredibly loud in the night. But as you left, I saw your transparent face, your gaping toothless maw and sad eyes, and knew I’d made the wrong decision. I had the priest killed in a ritual to summon you back, but had read the scripture wrong and summoned a citrus instead.

If they have internet from whence you came, I hope you can read this and come back to my home – after all, I feel that when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Phone me at [REDACTED]. To prove it’s you, tell me the colour of the table you so loved to levitate.

Filled under: missed connections, personal By: Minerva Kizyna Posted on: October 27, 2017 Comments are disabled!

Coronation Crown – hardly used

Some man-sized [REDACTED] came through my back door. He was awfully persuasive, and sold me a crown. If anyone would like to take it off my hands, it would be appreciated.

He told me it extended your life by two minutes every time someone says “God Save the King/Queen!” (depending on if you’re male or female, respectively.) I rushed to hospital, where my mother was staying, and placed it on her head, and she got better in minutes. So that bit works, I guess.

However, he didn’t tell me that it also puts you under mind control of what I assume is the [REDACTED] government, and God knows what they want.

So yeah, if you want to live forever but as a [REDACTED] slave, this might be the thing for you. Accepting any reasonable offer, send me a fax at [REDACTED], since those things have tapped my internet and my phone line.

Filled under: ancient artifacts, for sale By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: , , , ,
Posted on: October 27, 2017 Comments are disabled!

SEARCHING FOR OCCULTIST/CURSE BREAKER

WANTED: One man/woman/UNDESIGNATED knowledgeable in the occult and skilled in curses, curse breaking, and curse sealing. More details below.

Within these past few instances, it has been discovered that DESIGNATED RELIC H-44S, or more casually designated as “SATAN’S WALKING STICK” is far more than our specialists can handle. This is due to the recent resignation of our occultist, and though we wish him luck in his promising new career in DESIGNATED REALM H, we’re in a real pickle without him. His seals and curse breaking have been the only thing keeping those abominations from wreaking havoc in our office. Why, just yesterday one of them dragged DESIGNATED OPERATIVE AN-2S-00L under the fridge, and we haven’t heard from him since. Suffice to say, these things are no joke.

As a fair warning, this will be a long, tedious job. Be prepared to strap in for the long haul. Further instruction will be provided on site. There will be a substantial monetary payment for completion of this task, and we may be prepared to offer you a full-time job once all is said and done.

If interested, please meet me at DESIGNATED MEETING PLACE R-.CB this Sunday. Come any time. I’ll be waiting.

Filled under: cultists By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: , , ,
Posted on: October 27, 2017 Comments are disabled!

Dimensional portal, want gone. Cheap cheap cheap.

Are you looking for your next portal to an unholy hellscape? If so, you’ve found it in my backyard! About 5x5ft, it’s a swirling vortex of miasma the colour of which is incomprehensible to any higher-intelligence.

At this point I’ll take any offers, we can arrange transportation. Bring an excavator, portal doesn’t seem to exist below ground. I can hire one if you’re willing to cover the cost.

Watch out for the flying ants that endlessly spew forth from its maw, and bring some goggles so they don’t clog up your eyes like they did to me.

It also utters the phrase el surbatinium austenti subralinia which I don’t think has any meaning — you might want to check with your local cultist, though.

If you’re feeling adventurous the portal could be investigated. Maybe it leads to other dimensions with better cthulist access than me, maybe one where everybody gets Eternal Access, while plebs in my dimension are stuck on Acolyte Tier. Cthulist upgrade me please, I’ve been waiting 500 years!

Filled under: dimensional portals, for sale By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: , , , , ,
Posted on: September 10, 2017 Comments are disabled!

Hardly Used | Ancient alien matter manipulation ray – only one (I know of)

yeah this thing is cool. you can point and shoot it at things to move them without actually doing any work.

would post pics but manipulated my phone into a potato. now I really do have a potato phone.

email at [EXPUNGED] if you want to pick this thing up and we can arrange payment. hurry before the government gets it. can’t hold them off forever.

minimum payments $3000, need cash or no deal.

Filled under: alien technology, for sale By: Fhinsikael Fexton Posted on: September 10, 2017 Comments are disabled!

Looking for expert bigfoot wrangler…

Hey so first off, there’s a lot of bigfoots out there and any bigfoot wrangler will just scoff and say “this is easy, easy money”. Well, my bigfoot is different.

If you want to deal with the 500 pound bigfoot in my garage, I want you over here. Not only is it covered in a thick, blade-proof hair all over, it also seems to be incredibly amorous and I hate it. I can’t even look into my garage without it giving me the eyes.

Seduce it, kill it, do whatever – I just want it out of my garage as fast as possible so I can use my home gym again. It’s imprinted on me so it howls and hollers when it hears my car come in the driveway.

In fact, it might be ideal to rehome it, it’ll probably miss me when you take it.

I don’t care. I want it out. My son brought it home as a baby and now he’s left for college, so I’m stuck with it.

My details are [EXPUNGED]. Please contact me.

5 responses, 1 accepted

Filled under: creature hunters, jobs By: Fhinsikael Fexton Posted on: September 10, 2017 Comments are disabled!
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