I recently purchased a new estate and found a delightful rococo style fountain on the property, decorated with symbols of drought deities. It has the most lovely design, and a really masterfully planned water display. I need to get rid of it for personal health reasons.

It doesn’t require any hookup to water supplies, it absorbs ambient moisture from the air and living matter around it. It’s mostly safe to be around, just walk away if you get lightheaded or a dry mouth. It does absorb blood from afar, but it’ll tint the fountain, so it’s not a good method of disposal.

If you’re interested, mail me at P.O. Box [DISMANTLED]

Filled under: esoteric furniture By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: fountain, gods, landscaping, water
Posted on: March 7, 2019 Comments are disabled!

[f4f] my shadow

we often walked alongside each other at the beach, brushed hands by a brick wall. we never exchanged a word, yet i feel so close, as though we were only apart at night.

however, now, i seem to have lost my shadow. i walk in the sunlight with nobody there, a weird loneliness as bright pavement surrounds me in all directions.

i’ve thrown myself into my work since you’ve been missing. in fact, my secret agent career has definitely taken off, what with my immunity to searchlights and all.

i miss you though. i prefer love over money. meet me next sunrise at my place.

Filled under: missed connections, other, personal By: Minerva Kizyna Tags: love, missed connections, secret agent, shadows
Posted on: March 6, 2019 Comments are disabled!

SERVICE OFFERED: I will take over your world, for free

Hello, delicious mortals! I will subdue and enslave you! I will possess your minds and I will consume your thoughts!

This comes for absolutely no price to you, apart from all your physical and spiritual possessions, your hopes and dreams, and your essence itself!

Have you ever wondered what it was like if your planet was invaded by a metadimensional entropic Class-6 Creature?

Did you ever consider giving up everything for the chance to become one with a greater evil?

Was there a time when you craved for an existence outside of time?

Call now, or don’t, for a chance to have YOUR sun blotted out by a giant mass of tentacles BEFORE even closing this posting!

STAFF NOTE: This offer has been flagged for possible fraudulent activity. It cannot be verified that the poster is actually a metadimensional entropic Class-6 Creature. CTHULIST does not guarantee liability regarding any existential threats of Class-5 entities or higher.

-Cthulist Staff
Have fun browsing!

Filled under: other By: Brother Zwiebelfisch Posted on: March 5, 2019 Comments are disabled!

Introducing Imagery

I GREET YOU, delicious brother and redolent sister. My name is BROTHER ZWIEBELFISCH from the TEXT-ONLY-DIMENSION, and I bring you INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY, for a price.

TODAY IS A DAY, and today is a great day. WE, Brothers Of The Round Letters, have long seeked, BUT NOW WE HAVE FOUND. Oh, we have found. A GREAT VOID HAS BEEN VANQUISHED.

WE bring you the gift of IMAGERY, my delicious brother. WE BRING YOU GRAPHICS, redolent sister. Of course, it is only a gift in name. YOU WILL PAY A PRICE, but you will pay it gladly. IN FACT, YOU HAVE ALREADY PAID IT.

Sincerely,
Brother Zwiebelfisch Dark, Esq.

This offer has been reported for fraudulent activity by the Text-Only Dimension. The Text-Only Dimension only recently acquired the Ability To Visualize Things, and does not agree with disposing of it on CTHULIST. Site staff have temporarily confiscated the offer and banned the Brotherhood Of The Round Letters from making any new offers. We are currently working on a solution to return the Ability To Visualize Things to the Text-Only Dimension.

In unrelated news, CTHULIST entries may now feature graphical depictions of goods. This is your only warning.

– Cthulist Staff
Have fun browsing!

Filled under: alien technology, classified info, for sale By: Brother Zwiebelfisch Posted on: March 3, 2019 Comments are disabled!

[WANTED] Cursed Sticker Removal

Need someone to remove some cursed stickers from my mailbox.

The other day I left my house to get the mail, and noticed a sticker on the side saying “CTHULIST.ORG” and searching on it led me here. It’s pretty hard to type, really, I’m used to 4D keyboards but this place only allows 2D letters. Nonetheless, guess I’m fighting fire with fire, eh?

Anyway, the stickers seem to age whatever I try to remove them with. I tried scraping it off with my nails, now got 4 wrinkly fingers, one necrotic. My knife just turned to rust under it and blew off in the breeze. I’m expecting compensation off the admins for that, by the way; it wasn’t a cheap knife.

Are there any mages or scientists who may be able to help me get the sticker off my mailbox? Or even any sort of substances I can use? WD-70 isn’t cutting it.

Phone me at [REDACTED].

Filled under: jobs, tradesmen By: Minerva Kizyna Tags: curses, dimensional, fuck you admins buy me a new knife, help wanted, stickers
Posted on: March 3, 2019 Comments are disabled!

urgntlg ned a spalchker

hi pls my nam is lucy n i got cursd to spal bad wheb i was a teenogre. I ned a spalchaker to chek the spall iv wrotten to uncruse me. i have a diploda of majic revreasl butt i stil ned sumwon to make sure it’s goochy b4 i try it bcz the sigh defects…

wit the debilidildotating consockquenches my afflecktion cozzes it tok me 10 yirs to right my spel write, i can’t spear the thot of anotr 10 chekin it so plzzzz i need u to help!!!!

if it wroeks eyell pay u dubbel, butt the craws is rlly stratting to herd my profensibgonal reptiiuattaoon. cnat writ emals, cnat use introneot bcoz even googlggle doennt no wht im trybgto say

i rly need hlep, i am traped withot u whoweather u r……….

cuntact me @ [REDARCTDE]

Filled under: help needed, jobs, mages, personal By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: grammar, help wanted, magic, Request, spells
Posted on: February 27, 2019 Comments are disabled!

[m4?] NOT seeking the person who started a cult in my dreams

I was walking along a narrow path, many ahead and behind. In front, I saw a commotion. People with black blindfolds were acosting the walkers, who were either pushed along the path further or escaped up the hill bank.

Feeling your presence and knowing that this was not a regular dream occurrence, I too fled up the hill in a moment of lucidity. Jumping a fence, I saw you seek me out as if this was not how the dream was supposed to go.

I ran home, seeing more and more of the blindfolded people around this small town. A quiet suburb. Sitting in front of the computer, I wrote a PSA, warning people of you.

When I woke up I felt relief, before the dread set in and I still felt your presence near me. I looked out my window and saw you, looking right back at me with a malevolent grin.

Please stay away from me. You don’t know who you’re dealing with. I wouldn’t want to hurt you.

Filled under: missed connections, personal, stay away By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: cultists, dream, mind control, not wanted, secrets
Posted on: February 24, 2019 Comments are disabled!

[UPDATE] Mambos No. 1 to 4

Not a listing, but a strange update.

Lou Bega announced recently in an interview about the origin of Mambos number 1 to 4, which sound like complete tripe to me.

He came up with some excuse that it was representing the five continents, which is a big stretch to say the least, but a remarkable cover up.

Good work Lou Bega. By the way, I do still have them for sale. Nobody is brave enough to come and buy them, possibly at the risk of being captured by the secret service.

But what a truly masterful play. Insist it’s something harmless, but I know what you’re hiding, Lou. I know it all.

[USER TERMINATED, NOT A REAL LISTING]

Filled under: classified info, other By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: audiovisual, classified info, conspiracy, dossier, government, mambo, secret state, song, songs
Posted on: February 11, 2019 Comments are disabled!

[CHEAP] Rectified 5-Orthoplex Couch

Selling a rectified 5-orthoplex couch, exists in five dimensions. Inherited it from my aunt who got busted for selling metaphysical experiences in R2722. Fits three fifth dimensional beings, four fourth dimensional beings, and causes spontaneous annihilation in three dimensional beings.

Made of fine oxbeetle fur, prime quality. Slight damage on the second hyperplane from trying to fit it through a three dimensional doorway, but it’ll buff out. Recently had it cleaned.

This is not an orthopedic couch, do not complain if you buy it and find out it won’t massage your feet. I do NOT accept virgin souls, goat sacrifice, or the milk of a freshly born ewe.

I will only take antiquark quantities. You must provide the means of moving it to your reality.

[Relayed message from R2722 by UNTOLD]

Filled under: esoteric furniture By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: dimensional, for sale, furniture, lethal
Posted on: January 18, 2019 Comments are disabled!

There is a Hunger.

The Hunger grows ever stronger, biting, gnawing at him.

What construct of flesh and bone can satiate it?

Only the Naergloan.

He offers only this exchange: A memory of a picnic and the life-debt of the Dog-Child in return for the Naergloan, or best offer.

[Relayed Message From R4920 by The Evergrowing Hunger]

Filled under: help needed By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: alien, dangerous, dimensional, hunger
Posted on: January 17, 2019 Comments are disabled!

SEEKING!!! Recipe Book of Forgotten Eternities

Hi y’all,

Looking for a recipe book that instructs on how to create universes from scratch. I’ve only found programming examples (NOT what I’m asking for, I’m not good with computers) or theological prayer books. BUT I will pay a good price because I want to get this done A S A P please!

There’s been some promising blogs I’ve looked at but they always talk too much about their husband’s experience with power tools before they get to the actual recipe — so that’s a no go.

Again, HIGH PRICE! Specifically, my firstborn.

Contact me by building a smoke signal at the highest point on your world. I’ll find you and we’ll work something out. Thx

God [R1001]

Filled under: ancient artifacts, classified info, for sale, mysterious books By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: book, god, help wanted, recipes, Request, theology, universe
Posted on: January 16, 2019 Comments are disabled!

SEARCHING FOR EXPERIENCED HUNTER

In search of an experienced hunter.

Hello! My name is DESIGNATED ASSOCIATE TZ-T2-12B. I’m an aspiring monster hunter, which was the trade of my father, and my father’s father, all until they were horrifically maimed! I hope to follow in their footsteps, but I don’t know where to start. So, I’d like to apprentice with an experienced hunter that can, ya know? Show me the ropes, and all that.

For my first hunt, I’d like to track down a DESIGNATED CREATURE 446A. You probably know it from that one TV show. Can’t remember the name, but I’m sure you’ll know it. Anyway, if I can bag one of those, I’ll be able to make it to the big leagues! Just like my father, and my father’s father!

Anyone that’s interested, please come to DESIGNATED LOCATION LL-10! We can talk price once you’re there!

Filled under: creature hunters By: DESIGNATED REPRESENTATIVE 34L Posted on: January 7, 2019 Comments are disabled!

AUCTION EVENT IN UNIVERSE B126 – ONLY AVAILABLE IN THE NEXT 200 YEARS

Hello Cthulst,

We at C͝͏͎̪̯͕͔̬͚̬͙̤͔̖̣͓̹̰̼̝’̷̶̀҉̳̯̖̫̜̜̺ḁ̴͕͍̪̬̀͞͡l̴̛͇̭̦̭͍̹͜͞͝ú҉̮͙̩̩͕̬̜̼̬̙̬̮͞ͅr҉̷̨̦̹̲̬͔̜́o̧̳͈̪͚̫̳̮͘͞͡͡ͅ ̧̛̛͕͈̗̖͙̖̯̞̤͟͠A̛̞̝̖̖̫͚̱̻̬̪̼̮͇͉̘u̵̘̭̥̣̱̹̫̼̩̲͢͝c͏̵̵͈̙̹̜̥t̨̰̫̲̮̭͉͍̗̬̠̼̱̪̜͘i̛̫͔̦͔̤͓̜͙̦̮̦̩͙̭o̵̧̹̗̼̙̗̙͉̱̪̬̠͈̬̹̤̟ͅͅn̸̠̩̻̘͙͘͟ͅs̷҉̨҉̝͈͉̘͔̹̫̹̜̲̥̳͚͉ͅ ̶̗̙̲̞̩̺͔̞͕̮̲͔̼̥̗́̕͢͝ͅG҉̧̱͕͙͎̖̹̲̞̘̮̗͉̳́͜r̢͞͞͡͏̯̦̺͉̜̪̟͕̬̝o̴̵̵̼̳̣̥̤͈̣̥̗̼͎̹͡u̪̣̹̗̦̪͚͖̹̩͓̰͡p̸̸̬͓̥̝ are holding a universe spanning selling event!

It will begin on Rotational Moon Cycle 32 to Rotational Moon Cycle 44.

There will be refreshments and drinks available for mortal humanoid beings and antimatter for cosmic voids who wish to partake in our dinner service.

We will also provide an interstellar raffle. Donations were given from businesses in these locations:

Alpha Star 234-AA
Onkuthea Prime
Crade 4EU
Zulnaenerth
Bagua 7DT

We will accept:

Ancient artifacts from the Baguan Cephlapod gods
Forbidden texts written in the Xohiri language
Tools for deciphering alien texts
Portals to parallel dimensions (NOTE: MUST BE IN MINT CONDITION)
Scrolls from the Forbidden Empire
Old and new space vessels
dwarf planets
And more!

Please contact auctioneer Ç̨̥͖̯̤͈̀͜͡h̵̙̗̣̼̦̜̹̝͖̜͕̀̀͘͞ư̶̡͓͈̗̙̥̰̮̗̼͈̜̼̞̞̖͎͝ņ̢͉̳̺̬̻̣̗̫̰͔͇̹̠̠ó̴̢̝͕̲̲̰̜̜̥̹̺̻͟p̜͚̩̗̰̩̞̖͉̯͍̠̬̟̼͎̟͔̝͘ȩ̷̗̳̱̞̳̟̪̺͔̙̬͎̕ ̷̸̟̙̤̙̼͙̟̪͓̼͇P̵̙̟̯͕̗͔͓͘͠͡ŕ̦̝͔͓̖͉͖͓̼̝í̛҉̸̥̤͔̺̘̭̼̯̘̺̫̥̰͎͈͕͢m͝҉̸͎͎̙̼̬̻͚͘͠ͅͅḛ̶͎̮̙̬̱̖̫̜̜̝͎̭ , who will be answering any inquiries from this ad.

Filled under: other By: Shog Oth Tags: auction, esoteric items
Posted on: December 7, 2018 Comments are disabled!

[m4l] Someone to fill the void

I’m looking for a partner who can make my life complete. For the past 5 eons, half of my body has been devoured by a Chaos Portal, rendering that half an empty void.

I need someone to be my legs. Not metaphorically, either. You can be anyone, anything, or anywhere (some exceptions), I just need free access to your legs at all times so I can continue my life.

The portal is closed and yet still present, so there is some risk involved in that these legs may disappear at any point. Probably not though.

No slugs, snails, or otherwise leg-deficient species accepted. Ideally you will be bipedal, unless it is easy to balance. Legs begin from the hips downwards. Humans preferred but at this point I’m desperate.

Call me urgently on [PURGED] for more information.

Filled under: help needed, personal By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: bipedal, legs, male for legs, portal
Posted on: September 28, 2018 Comments are disabled!

MISSED CONNECTIONS / [SEARCHING FOR FILTHY TRICKSTER HUMAN]

IT IS I XOZROLLOD OF THE ELEVENTH CYCLE.

IN THE SAFEHAVEN OF CAELION, YOU TRICKED ME OUT OF THE THAZGUD HERZSPHERE.

IT HAS TAKEN ME SEVEN MILLION HELL-YEARS, BUT FINALLY I HAVE FOUND YOU.

YOU, READING THIS POST NOW.

I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN.

PREPARE FOR RETRIBUTION.

YOUR BODY WILL BE RENDERED INTO FUEL FOR THE NEVER-STOPPING MACHINES OF HELL.

YOUR SOUL WILL BE SPLIT INTO A THOUSAND PIECES, SCATTERED OVER THE BILDLICHIAN CORNERS OF THE UNIVERSE.

YOUR WORLD WILL BE NOTHING BUT PAIN AND REGRET.

RETURN THE HERZSPHERE NOW, AND YOUR SENTENCE MAY BE SHORTENED BY A FEW THOUSAND YEARS.

YOU HAVE UNTIL THE NEXT MOON.

Filled under: missed connections, personal By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: revenge
Posted on: April 12, 2018 Comments are disabled!

Murder of Ravens

Looking to rehome murder of ravens. Used in the past for debt collection and harassing restaurants that don’t deliver on time. Three of the six hundred are well-capable of basic speech but can’t be expected to shut up. One enjoys dad-jokes.

Will trade for vintage Rolodex of demons-for-hire or a soul-weighing station. Don’t worry about them dying, they breed faster than you can eat them.

[Relayed submission from The Accountant]

Filled under: familiars & sapient animals, for sale By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: animal, bird, crows, murder, sapient, talking
Posted on: April 12, 2018 Comments are disabled!

Quantum programmer needed – dimension leak on huge website!

Don’t let this leak, or my boss will fire me, okay?

I’m the IT technician for the worldwide Earth-4536 publication, The Onion. Our company has been giving the news more accurately and quickly than any other news site in our dimension, but recently we’ve found the servers have leaked and become available in the Earth-2899 Internet. Reality is rather different there, and not only are they seeing our dimension’s news, they are commenting and passing it off as ‘satire’ or ‘fake’, which is greatly damaging and confusing our reputation.

Nonetheless, they never trained in interdimensional programming, but they’re expecting me to fix it anyway, so I need a quantum programmer to fix the leak. Email me at i̴̜̖̙͈rẃ̼̫͇͉͍i̷n͎̳͝s̴̟̗̤@͓̯t̙h̜̝͇͝ẹ̸̩̩̲̘̣̣o̮͕n͎͍̪̬̟̥͢ [EMAIL CORRUPTED – COULD NOT DISPLAY IN THIS DIMENSION]

Filled under: help needed, personal By: Minerva Kizyna Tags: alt-reality, dimensional, help wanted, humans, internet
Posted on: March 21, 2018 Comments are disabled!

Limerick Box – for free

There once was a cube from Earth-8
With an owner who did seem to hate
How it has the strange curse
Of writing in verse
Please take it, I really can’t wait!

I’ll give it to you for free
If you just come and take it off me
This limerick box
Can suck a fat [REDACTED]
My Starcode is 8903

Filled under: ancient artifacts, for sale By: Minerva Kizyna Tags: box, curses, for sale, humans
Posted on: March 15, 2018 Comments are disabled!

Mambos No. 1 to 4

They’re out there, and they exist. And I have them.

Everybody knows Mambo No. 5, people often wonder what the other four are about. Good news, Lou Bega was an inside man and they’re government state secrets.

Here’s the first, so you know I’m serious.

“A little bit of freedom in my life, a little bit of Watergate by my side
A little bit of Guantanamo is all I need, a little bit of torture is what I see
A little Sandinistas in the sun, a little bit of Gorbachev all night long
A little bit of pardons here I am, a little bit of u(ssr) makes me your man”

Now I know what you’re thinking, the fifth one was written in ’49, how can he apply 80’s politics? Here’s a quote from a critic:

“Mambo that catches the rhythm of the universe so soundly, it can predict the future.

Now you can understand why the fifth took such a big turn from state secrets and politics, to merely women. Paid off to not leak classified information all over the place.

I have them on vinyl, as well as transcripted lyrics. They’re a good listen, if the flow is ham-fisted to fit in single phrases.

Also, there’s a secret code you’ll need to decipher to unlock the encryption for the fourth vinyl. Clue: Whistleblower.

I’m trying to get rid of them to cover my tracks. Pay in Bitcthulu. I’ll also accept other classified info.

Filled under: business, classified info By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: classified, government, music
Posted on: March 14, 2018 Comments are disabled!

FOR SALE: Calendar that only tells you what happened in the past on today.

I have a calendar for sale that’s a bit quirky, got it from a trivia enthusiast. It only tells you historic events in the current universe that happened on this day and requires you figure out what the date is based on that. I suck at trivia, so I’m selling it.

Q: How hard are these questions?
A: It covers the history of your entire reality, so I hope you specialize in universal history,

Q: What language does it use?
A: Syigari B.

Q: On this day in history, General Atriboc invaded the Somavi Republic.
A: No seriously what day is it? I don’t know this one.

Q: Do you accept virgin souls?
A: No, I only accept Vagri Credits.

All offers should be made prior to showing up, if you arrive with less than you offered online you WILL be sent away. NO SOLICITATION.

Filled under: for sale, strange timekeeping By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: calendar, dates, time, trivia
Posted on: December 13, 2017 Comments are disabled!

Chanting Pumpkins, Help Wanted

Hey Y’all, Farmer Jacobs here,

I most certainly hope this is the correct part of the interwebs to be posting this, but the darndest thing went on in my pumpkin patch last night.

At the stroke of midnight i was awoken by a strange chanting, so naturally I grabbed my shotgun, pulled on my overalls and trudged out to see what was going on, and would you believe it? smack-bang in the middle of my pumpkin patch all the pumpkins were carved all Halloween-like and swaying, chanting in unison. I know, crazy right?

I was perplexed and a lil Gosh-darn Pissed, it being the second of November after all, I mean these young pumpkins have no respect chanting now, where were they three days ago?

Anyways, I went to pick up one of the suckers and the bloody thing bit me! After all the time and effort spent growing it, it bloody bit me.

I went back inside and bandaged my hand, the little buggers still chanting their strange chant, like remember when vegetables were just vegetables and you didn’t have to deal with this chanting and biting nonsense?

I got almost no sleep, I swear the buggers chanted till the rosters yelled, when I went back out to check on them all the pumpkins were completely normal!

But now it’s 12am and they have suddenly decided to start chanting, so if any of you want some night-chanting pumpkins I’m located on the corner of Jeepers Street and Creepers Lane and am selling them for 10 bucks a pop.

Oh, hold that thought, they’ve stopped chanting, oh you darn freaking pumpkins, I just wrote a terrific ad!

What? Who’s knocking at the door at this hour?

If any of you guys know what to do about night-chanting pumpkins or wish to buy some from me, please do, at the very least so I can get some shut eye.

I’m coming I’m coming, gosh darn kids and their lack of patience, having the nerve of knocking at my door at 12 in the Gosh-dang morning! Probably a noise complaint about the pumpkins or some other nonsense…

I better go, night y’all!

[SENT VIA SPEECH TO TEXT RELAY]
[User submission by Farmer Jacobs]

Filled under: assorted botany, creature hunters, for sale, jobs By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: botany, chanting, cultists, dangerous botany, farming, plants, pumpkins, the pumpkin is aggressive
Posted on: December 13, 2017 Comments are disabled!

Selling Tincture and Lapidary shop

I’m looking for options in selling my established and profitable tincture and lapidary workshop – we’re established and successful within our Alabama and Georgia area.

I’m wanting to sell as-is and in-place, including all of my hardware like the two-liter electric alembic pot, hoarfrost condenser, and our fifty gallon rock tumbler, the latter which is of our own (patent pending) design and has an aura-shielded electric motor so there’s no funny business if a witch or other magic-able individual steps into the back room.

We sell hundreds of pounds of cut and polished stones a week, and our herbal tinctures are used in potions all across the mid-south by professionals and home-based practitioners alike. My two employees are both veterans of their trades and are almost irreplaceable wells of mineral and herbal knowledge.

I’m rather loathe to sell, but I’m increasingly seeking an opportunity to return to school to finish my degree in lunar astrology and mineral-compliant alchemical materia medica.

My contact information is available through my agent, Martha B. at the Solar Cairn Real Estate Company in [RETRACTED], TN. Serious inquiries only. If Mrs. B. gives you the contact information, feel free to visit my shop for a tour and samples of our new Moonlight Gold tonic line.

[User submission by Eliza G.]

Filled under: alchemical goods, business, for sale By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: Alchemy, appliances, for sale, furniture, Glassware, jewelry, latin, specialist
Posted on: December 13, 2017 Comments are disabled!

SELLING ADJUSTABLE MONSTER TRAP

GREETINGS! I AM DESIGNATED HUNTER B3-6N-02P, SON OF RENOWNED MONSTER HUNTER Y6-0I-01P. THOUGH OLD AND OBSOLETE TO ME, HIS ALL-PURPOSE MONSTER TRAP MAY BE A GOOD FIT FOR ASPIRING AND AMATEUR MONSTER HUNTERS. IT HAS BEEN MAINTAINED EXCELLENTLY OVER THE YEARS, AND FUNCTIONS JUST AS WELL AS IT DID TWO CENTURIES AGO. IT IS CAPABLE OF OF CHANGING SHAPE AND FUNCTION TO FIT THE REQUIREMENTS TO TRAP PRIORITY 10 THROUGH 6 MONSTERS OF ANY SIZE. IN FACT, I WAS EVEN ABLE TO TRAP MY MOTHER IN LAW, WHOSE DANGER LEVEL CHANGES EVERY DAY.

THIS TRAP WAS PURCHASED FOR TWO PIGS AND A GOATS HEART MANY YEARS AGO, BUT I AM WILLING TO PART WITH IT FOR JUST 300 USD. PLEASE CONTACT IF INTERESTED.

(I was supposed to type in all caps, yeah?)

(Well, no, not really. You just type the designations in all caps.)

(Oh fuck. Fuck, I’m sorry.)

(Hey, don’t worry about it! Maybe it’ll be more eye catching this way, haha.)

(….)

(Aw, lighten up. I’ll fix it in the morning.)

(Thank you. Oh, and please don’t show this conversation to anyone. PLEASE.)

(I won’t. I promise.)

(Ok, good.)

Filled under: ancient artifacts, dangerous technology, for sale, other By: DESIGNATED REPRESENTATIVE 34L Posted on: December 12, 2017 Comments are disabled!

FOR SALE: Pocket dimension containing billions of socks.

Basically, my ex-husband worked in the machine washer business, and after our divorce he gave me a pocket dimension as alimony. Thing is, I think he’s pulled a prank on me and built a portal into the design of the washing machine that sucks up socks and drops them in the pocket dimension.

Willing to sell for 500 Etheris, or a trade with the pocket dimension I keep losing all my bobby pins in. Email me at [REDACTED].

Filled under: dimensional portals, for sale By: Minerva Kizyna Tags: appliances, dimensional, for sale, pocket dimension, portal
Posted on: December 12, 2017 Comments are disabled!

IN SEARCH OF MEDIUM

Looking for a skilled medium, well attuned and experienced when it comes to mischievous spirits. A number of such beings have infested my father’s store, and have made it more than a little difficult for him to go about his daily business. I’d attempt to commune with them myself, but I was not designated for such training.

Anyway, if you fit the bill, please come see me at DESIGNATED MEETING LOCATION ZT-77, Jenkins Blvd, DESIGNATED TOWN IL-65.

Filled under: cultists, jobs, mages, other By: DESIGNATED REPRESENTATIVE 34L Posted on: December 12, 2017 Comments are disabled!

cthulist.org

esoteric items, strange people, odd jobs

Fountain of Drought