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LEGIT BUSINESS TIPS from The Dimension Where Everyone is Super Wealthy

Hey everyone. As an incredibly successful businessman from The Dimension Where Everyone is Super Wealthy (You may know me from such brands as Ponzai Astromotive, Parfum d’Abagnal, or Wallstreet Outfitters), I am now retiring to write my autobiography and give business tips to those from other dimensions, where people are less willing to pull themselves up by the bootstraps.

Just between you and me, I think I know how I can get you to be (almost) as rich as us guys from The Dimension Where Everyone is Super Wealthy. Your business might not be much at the moment, but I know that within the soul of every business owner is a successful businessman, and I know with just a little bit of an investment on your part I can double your earnings, easy. It’s in my DNA, hell, it’s in my dimension.

I accept payments in Etheris, Cthucoin or Soul Bonds, and will email you straight away with business advice to get your failing company out of the gutter.

Sincerely,

Mr. Daqur, Dimension 8381

[AUTOMATED DIMENSION TAGGING: cthulist.org automatically tags dimensions known to less than 1% of the interdimensional population (according to the Dimension Popularity Index)]
8381 – The Dimension Where Everyone is a Confidence Trickster

Filled under: personal metatrainers By: Minerva Kizyna Tags: 
 Posted on: March 20, 2019 Comments are disabled!

FASHION MERCENARY FOR HIRE

The way people dress has only gotten worse and worse over time. An undercover investigation by leading Earth-4536 news site The Onion, involving a reporter wearing orange galoshes after Labor Day (a classic faux pas, easy way to catch out the nouveau riche), found that even in capital cities they were not arrested by the fashion police.

Government cuts and loosening ethics on what is acceptable to wear has led the fashion police to become a limp, useless branch of our emergency services. As a result, I feel I must take things into my own hands, and work as a freelance fashion mercenary.

If you hire me, I will:

  • Make demeaning and condescending comments on others fashion choices (“Ew, those crocs with that tunic? Talk about colour clash!”)
  • Carry my own wardrobe on my back in order to quickly fix the mistakes of you or your house guests
  • Fire warning shots in the vicinity of your neighbour on sight until he stops wearing cargo pants and gets some real trousers

Accepting most forms of transdimensional currency. I can’t stand the aesthetics of my computer or mobile phone (the tesseract plugged into my Raspberry Pi is making my stomach churn as I type) so will only be reachable at the next Alpha Centauri Runway Show.

Filled under: other By: Minerva Kizyna Posted on: March 18, 2019 Comments are disabled!

[f4f] my shadow

we often walked alongside each other at the beach, brushed hands by a brick wall. we never exchanged a word, yet i feel so close, as though we were only apart at night.

however, now, i seem to have lost my shadow. i walk in the sunlight with nobody there, a weird loneliness as bright pavement surrounds me in all directions.

i’ve thrown myself into my work since you’ve been missing. in fact, my secret agent career has definitely taken off, what with my immunity to searchlights and all.

i miss you though. i prefer love over money. meet me next sunrise at my place.

Filled under: missed connections, other, personal By: Minerva Kizyna Tags: , , ,
Posted on: March 6, 2019 Comments are disabled!

[WANTED] Cursed Sticker Removal

Need someone to remove some cursed stickers from my mailbox.

The other day I left my house to get the mail, and noticed a sticker on the side saying “CTHULIST.ORG” and searching on it led me here. It’s pretty hard to type, really, I’m used to 4D keyboards but this place only allows 2D letters. Nonetheless, guess I’m fighting fire with fire, eh?

Anyway, the stickers seem to age whatever I try to remove them with. I tried scraping it off with my nails, now got 4 wrinkly fingers, one necrotic. My knife just turned to rust under it and blew off in the breeze. I’m expecting compensation off the admins for that, by the way; it wasn’t a cheap knife.

Are there any mages or scientists who may be able to help me get the sticker off my mailbox? Or even any sort of substances I can use? WD-70 isn’t cutting it.

Phone me at [REDACTED].

Filled under: jobs, tradesmen By: Minerva Kizyna Tags: , , , ,
Posted on: March 3, 2019 Comments are disabled!

Quantum programmer needed – dimension leak on huge website!

Don’t let this leak, or my boss will fire me, okay?

I’m the IT technician for the worldwide Earth-4536 publication, The Onion. Our company has been giving the news more accurately and quickly than any other news site in our dimension, but recently we’ve found the servers have leaked and become available in the Earth-2899 Internet. Reality is rather different there, and not only are they seeing our dimension’s news, they are commenting and passing it off as ‘satire’ or ‘fake’, which is greatly damaging and confusing our reputation.

Nonetheless, they never trained in interdimensional programming, but they’re expecting me to fix it anyway, so I need a quantum programmer to fix the leak. Email me at i̴̜̖̙͈rẃ̼̫͇͉͍i̷n͎̳͝s̴̟̗̤@͓̯t̙h̜̝͇͝ẹ̸̩̩̲̘̣̣o̮͕n͎͍̪̬̟̥͢ [EMAIL CORRUPTED – COULD NOT DISPLAY IN THIS DIMENSION]

Filled under: help needed, personal By: Minerva Kizyna Tags: , , , ,
Posted on: March 21, 2018 Comments are disabled!

FOR SALE: Pocket dimension containing billions of socks.

Basically, my ex-husband worked in the machine washer business, and after our divorce he gave me a pocket dimension as alimony. Thing is, I think he’s pulled a prank on me and built a portal into the design of the washing machine that sucks up socks and drops them in the pocket dimension.

Willing to sell for 500 Etheris, or a trade with the pocket dimension I keep losing all my bobby pins in. Email me at [REDACTED].

Filled under: dimensional portals, for sale By: Minerva Kizyna Tags: , , , ,
Posted on: December 12, 2017 Comments are disabled!

Mind controlling baby chicken for sale. CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP!

I’ve recently come into possession of a three-eyed chick, which I’m pretty sure was put in my garden as a prank from the Martians. Anyway, it CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP can take control of my mind for a few seconds at a time, but it doesn’t CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP know English, so it kind of just makes chick noises. It clearly understands how phonemes work, since it can CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP make me write its noises in onomatopoeias, but I’m no biologist, what do I know?

Anyway, it might get more powerful as it ages, you might be able to get its powers if you eat it, whatever. Nonetheless, I want CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP it gone. Any price, I’ll give it for free. Call me at [REDACTED], but only on a new moon – the chick’s third eye seems to close then and I get control over my body.

 

Filled under: aliens, for sale By: Minerva Kizyna Tags: , , ,
Posted on: December 1, 2017 Comments are disabled!

I had you exorcised, but I regret it – w4d

I had hired a priest to remove a demon from my house, as they were moving my vases around and being incredibly loud in the night. But as you left, I saw your transparent face, your gaping toothless maw and sad eyes, and knew I’d made the wrong decision. I had the priest killed in a ritual to summon you back, but had read the scripture wrong and summoned a citrus instead.

If they have internet from whence you came, I hope you can read this and come back to my home – after all, I feel that when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Phone me at [REDACTED]. To prove it’s you, tell me the colour of the table you so loved to levitate.

Filled under: missed connections, personal By: Minerva Kizyna Posted on: October 27, 2017 Comments are disabled!

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