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Monthly Archives:

December 2017

FOR SALE: Calendar that only tells you what happened in the past on today.

I have a calendar for sale that’s a bit quirky, got it from a trivia enthusiast. It only tells you historic events in the current universe that happened on this day and requires you figure out what the date is based on that. I suck at trivia, so I’m selling it.

Q: How hard are these questions?
A: It covers the history of your entire reality, so I hope you specialize in universal history,

Q: What language does it use?
A: Syigari B.

Q: On this day in history, General Atriboc invaded the Somavi Republic.
A: No seriously what day is it? I don’t know this one.

Q: Do you accept virgin souls?
A: No, I only accept Vagri Credits.

All offers should be made prior to showing up, if you arrive with less than you offered online you WILL be sent away. NO SOLICITATION.

Filled under: for sale, strange timekeeping By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: calendar, dates, time, trivia
Posted on: December 13, 2017 Comments are disabled!

Chanting Pumpkins, Help Wanted

Hey Y’all, Farmer Jacobs here,

I most certainly hope this is the correct part of the interwebs to be posting this, but the darndest thing went on in my pumpkin patch last night.

At the stroke of midnight i was awoken by a strange chanting, so naturally I grabbed my shotgun, pulled on my overalls and trudged out to see what was going on, and would you believe it? smack-bang in the middle of my pumpkin patch all the pumpkins were carved all Halloween-like and swaying, chanting in unison. I know, crazy right?

I was perplexed and a lil Gosh-darn Pissed, it being the second of November after all, I mean these young pumpkins have no respect chanting now, where were they three days ago?

Anyways, I went to pick up one of the suckers and the bloody thing bit me! After all the time and effort spent growing it, it bloody bit me.

I went back inside and bandaged my hand, the little buggers still chanting their strange chant, like remember when vegetables were just vegetables and you didn’t have to deal with this chanting and biting nonsense?

I got almost no sleep, I swear the buggers chanted till the rosters yelled, when I went back out to check on them all the pumpkins were completely normal!

But now it’s 12am and they have suddenly decided to start chanting, so if any of you want some night-chanting pumpkins I’m located on the corner of Jeepers Street and Creepers Lane and am selling them for 10 bucks a pop.

Oh, hold that thought, they’ve stopped chanting, oh you darn freaking pumpkins, I just wrote a terrific ad!

What? Who’s knocking at the door at this hour?

If any of you guys know what to do about night-chanting pumpkins or wish to buy some from me, please do, at the very least so I can get some shut eye.

I’m coming I’m coming, gosh darn kids and their lack of patience, having the nerve of knocking at my door at 12 in the Gosh-dang morning! Probably a noise complaint about the pumpkins or some other nonsense…

I better go, night y’all!

[SENT VIA SPEECH TO TEXT RELAY]
[User submission by Farmer Jacobs]

Filled under: assorted botany, creature hunters, for sale, jobs By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: botany, chanting, cultists, dangerous botany, farming, plants, pumpkins, the pumpkin is aggressive
Posted on: December 13, 2017 Comments are disabled!

Selling Tincture and Lapidary shop

I’m looking for options in selling my established and profitable tincture and lapidary workshop – we’re established and successful within our Alabama and Georgia area.

I’m wanting to sell as-is and in-place, including all of my hardware like the two-liter electric alembic pot, hoarfrost condenser, and our fifty gallon rock tumbler, the latter which is of our own (patent pending) design and has an aura-shielded electric motor so there’s no funny business if a witch or other magic-able individual steps into the back room.

We sell hundreds of pounds of cut and polished stones a week, and our herbal tinctures are used in potions all across the mid-south by professionals and home-based practitioners alike. My two employees are both veterans of their trades and are almost irreplaceable wells of mineral and herbal knowledge.

I’m rather loathe to sell, but I’m increasingly seeking an opportunity to return to school to finish my degree in lunar astrology and mineral-compliant alchemical materia medica.

My contact information is available through my agent, Martha B. at the Solar Cairn Real Estate Company in [RETRACTED], TN. Serious inquiries only. If Mrs. B. gives you the contact information, feel free to visit my shop for a tour and samples of our new Moonlight Gold tonic line.

[User submission by Eliza G.]

Filled under: alchemical goods, business, for sale By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: Alchemy, appliances, for sale, furniture, Glassware, jewelry, latin, specialist
Posted on: December 13, 2017 Comments are disabled!

SELLING ADJUSTABLE MONSTER TRAP

GREETINGS! I AM DESIGNATED HUNTER B3-6N-02P, SON OF RENOWNED MONSTER HUNTER Y6-0I-01P. THOUGH OLD AND OBSOLETE TO ME, HIS ALL-PURPOSE MONSTER TRAP MAY BE A GOOD FIT FOR ASPIRING AND AMATEUR MONSTER HUNTERS. IT HAS BEEN MAINTAINED EXCELLENTLY OVER THE YEARS, AND FUNCTIONS JUST AS WELL AS IT DID TWO CENTURIES AGO. IT IS CAPABLE OF OF CHANGING SHAPE AND FUNCTION TO FIT THE REQUIREMENTS TO TRAP PRIORITY 10 THROUGH 6 MONSTERS OF ANY SIZE. IN FACT, I WAS EVEN ABLE TO TRAP MY MOTHER IN LAW, WHOSE DANGER LEVEL CHANGES EVERY DAY.

THIS TRAP WAS PURCHASED FOR TWO PIGS AND A GOATS HEART MANY YEARS AGO, BUT I AM WILLING TO PART WITH IT FOR JUST 300 USD. PLEASE CONTACT IF INTERESTED.

(I was supposed to type in all caps, yeah?)

(Well, no, not really. You just type the designations in all caps.)

(Oh fuck. Fuck, I’m sorry.)

(Hey, don’t worry about it! Maybe it’ll be more eye catching this way, haha.)

(….)

(Aw, lighten up. I’ll fix it in the morning.)

(Thank you. Oh, and please don’t show this conversation to anyone. PLEASE.)

(I won’t. I promise.)

(Ok, good.)

Filled under: ancient artifacts, dangerous technology, for sale, other By: DESIGNATED REPRESENTATIVE 34L Posted on: December 12, 2017 Comments are disabled!

FOR SALE: Pocket dimension containing billions of socks.

Basically, my ex-husband worked in the machine washer business, and after our divorce he gave me a pocket dimension as alimony. Thing is, I think he’s pulled a prank on me and built a portal into the design of the washing machine that sucks up socks and drops them in the pocket dimension.

Willing to sell for 500 Etheris, or a trade with the pocket dimension I keep losing all my bobby pins in. Email me at [REDACTED].

Filled under: dimensional portals, for sale By: Minerva Kizyna Tags: appliances, dimensional, for sale, pocket dimension, portal
Posted on: December 12, 2017 Comments are disabled!

IN SEARCH OF MEDIUM

Looking for a skilled medium, well attuned and experienced when it comes to mischievous spirits. A number of such beings have infested my father’s store, and have made it more than a little difficult for him to go about his daily business. I’d attempt to commune with them myself, but I was not designated for such training.

Anyway, if you fit the bill, please come see me at DESIGNATED MEETING LOCATION ZT-77, Jenkins Blvd, DESIGNATED TOWN IL-65.

Filled under: cultists, jobs, mages, other By: DESIGNATED REPRESENTATIVE 34L Posted on: December 12, 2017 Comments are disabled!

It’s us, your dads. We’re at the store.

To: All

I don’t know how many of you there are out there, how many people think we’ve left you – but we haven’t. We’ve been trapped at this store for what feels like millennia.

There are so many dads here, the line is infinite, eternal. I can’t remember how I got here apart from that I need to buy cigarettes.

None of us can see a way out, but a rare celestial phenomenon has enabled only myself to use mobile data to post this. There is only the store at the end of the road. Endless void lot by no stars surrounds us.

I am the 366th in line to the store now, but there are others behind and in front of me. Behind, it seems unending. I do not know what happens when someone reaches the store. Do they get to go? It may be centuries more before I can find out, as I can’t remember being in any other place on this line, even though I must have been to get here.

If you’re reading this, we are your dads, from everywhere around the globe, and we are undying.

You don’t need to do anything (Read: Help, we are suppressed) and this is just to tell you that we love you all (Read: They can’t read brackets) and not to worry about us. (Read: GET US OUT OF HERE)

Sincerely,

Your Dads

Filled under: help needed, personal By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: alt-reality, dad, dimensional, father, time loop, void
Posted on: December 12, 2017 Comments are disabled!

[r4r] I saw you when our realities passed. Who were you?

It was for a few moments for me, but it felt like forever. Your eyes were full of stars, hair shimmering with ethereal quintessence. A beautiful creature that glanced at me and smiled.

Our bubbles moved away from each other, and then you were gone, taking your thirteen alternate realities with you and with it my thoughts.

I’d love to get in touch, to explore your universes’ history. Who were the great commanders, the poets, the musicians and the engineers?

If this was you, contact me on [RETRACTED]. For security, tell me the colour of stellar blush you wore.

Sincerely yours,
R8881, “Reality-Where-Groundhogs-Don’t-Exist-So-No-Movie-Starring-Bill-Murray-Exists-Either”

Filled under: missed connections, personal By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: alt-reality, personal, sapient, universe
Posted on: December 12, 2017 Comments are disabled!

The United States of America

I recently acquired this country in a yard sale for $50, but it’s not functioning as expected so I’m hoping someone who knows how nations work can take it off my hands and fix it up.

The inhabitants are easily subdued, they’re only humans so they’re not too much of an issue.

There’s a few warning lights, nothing too major though. Check engine light with the codes for oxygen sensor, fuel pump and cam sensor. It misfires sometimes but you just have to restart it with a violent revolution and it’ll be fine for the rest of the day. I don’t have the money to get it repaired, so I’m offering it for $35 and I’ll throw in a guitar pick and a small packet of assorted lint (five different colours).

I have a separate offer for Australia, but that one I will throw in for an extra $5 since it’s mostly desert.

Filled under: for sale, land By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: america, australia, countries, government, nations, usa
Posted on: December 12, 2017 Comments are disabled!

Bird Demon Won’t Leave me Alone

This isn’t a damn joke. This happened a few weeks ago. I received an egg from the user (NAME DELETED), and they gave me what they SAID was a “genuine dragon egg.” Turns out it wasn’t a dragon egg and I didn’t realize it was a bird demon egg until it was too late. They look very similar, and in hindsight it was my fault that I didn’t check the Mystical Creature Database.

I tried reaching out to (NAME DELETED) and their contact information and number no longer exists. The bird pretty much grew into this red eyed, aggressive creature that can dismember a man with its sharp claws. There was no way to reach out to the vendor, and now this fucking bird is terrorizing my house. It only sustains itself with the blood of its victims, it destroyed my kitchen, and killed my pet pheonix. (She resurrected after a week, but still.)

I need a demon hunter who can kill or exorcise the bird. I am willing to provide a vial of pheonix tears for payment. They’re pretty valuable for healing wounds and is a priceless alchemical ingredient.

EDIT: Name removed based on Mod request.

UPDATE: I still haven’t received any inquiries about this job. The situation is getting desperate. The demon bird ate a mailman and trashed my study. I’ll add some dragon scales to the offer just PLEASE kill this thing.

UPDATE 2: Apparently this creature is called a Stymphalian bird. I’ve managed to keep the thing at bay by shaking a rattle. For anyone willing to kill it, take heed: its feathers are sharp and shoot out like arrows. You’ll need something to make a big noise so please take that into consideration. I’m still holding out for offers.

MOD UPDATE: SHOG OTH HAS NO TOLERANCE FOR SCAMMERS AND FALSE ITEMS. THOSE WHO DARE VIOLATE THE RULES OF THIS SITE, TAKE HEED: WE WILL FIND YOU AND EXILE YOU TO OUR NIGHTMARE REALM. IF YOU ARE SCAMMED IN THIS WAY, PLEASE CONTACT:

Fraud Artifact Complaint Center Address: Third Parallel, Dimension 13-66, Universe 119. Number: 11.6.556 ext. 45688

Filled under: creature hunters, jobs By: Shog Oth Tags: bird, creature, demon, help
Posted on: December 6, 2017 Comments are disabled!

Pre-universe Matchbox car, mint condition

Limited edition Elder God Chariot from the Matchbox Eternal series, pre-universe. You may not ever find something else like it, since as far as I know, all the other pre-universe ones have been recalled by Matchbox for anomalous effects.

Statement from the company:

“We did not make these. They don’t even exist and they never have. If you are in possession of one, we will offer you a rebate of $500 for the safe return of the non-existent Eternal Series vehicles. For your own safety, do not look at it or attempt to seduce the Elder God figurine, as some of our customers felt compelled to do. It will literally eat your soul and you will die. Seriously, don’t do it.”
[SOURCE LINK EXPUNGED]

Obviously, this makes them exceedingly rare. I haven’t tried seducing it yet, but if you want to, contact me at [DESTROYED]

I will accept any transmutable currency as I get paid in Elderbux. For just $1.99 a month you can get your own subscription to Elderbux, a crypt-currency (not crypto, that’s different) that rewards you for getting paid.

[SPONSOR DETECTED, ELIMINATING]

[THIS LISTING HAS BEEN CLOSED BY ORDER OF THE GATEKEEPER]

Filled under: alien technology, ancient artifacts, for sale, other By: Fhinsikael Fexton Posted on: December 4, 2017 Comments are disabled!

Portal to THE VOID for sale (slightly used)

Gently used portal to the Void. Recently constructed by the Necro Society, used as a demon transport every solar eclipse.
Has only been used a few times for religious sacrifices, forbidden knowledge, and arcane rituals.
Kit is included as well as an instructional DVD that covers basic maintenance. The portal is a 20 feet deep well. All you need to do is fill it with water, have a blood sacrifice and you’re good to go.
I will accept credit cards, checks, or a human soul.

MINIMUM OFFER IS $2,500

Filled under: dimensional portals, for sale By: Shog Oth Tags: demons, for sale, portal, void
Posted on: December 2, 2017 Comments are disabled!

*VAMPIRE HUNTER FOR HIRE, EXPERIENCE NEEDED**

I need a vampire hunter in order to eliminate an invasion currently proceeding in my small Eastern European village. This is a temporary position and I will pay for transportation, room and board.

REQUIREMENTS AND DETAILS:

At least 4-5 years experience.
Monster Hunter Certification with specialization in the undead.
YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR BRINGING YOUR OWN KIT AND STAKES.
One month temporary position. Might be considered a permanent member of our vampire hunting crew if you perform well enough.
Pay is 6000 euros at the end of the month.
Alchemy and knowledge of necromancy spells is not a requirement but preferred.
MUST pass background check, the Zombie Infection Test, and cannot be under the influence of any dimensional death god.
We do not discriminate against vampires or any humanoid race. We will accommodate you if you have a supernatural affliction, curse, or inter-dimensional malady- we are an equal opportunity employer.

Please send us a resume and respond to this job entry. SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY.

Filled under: creature hunters, jobs By: Shog Oth Tags: help wanted, vampire hunters, vampires
Posted on: December 2, 2017 Comments are disabled!

Mind controlling baby chicken for sale. CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP!

I’ve recently come into possession of a three-eyed chick, which I’m pretty sure was put in my garden as a prank from the Martians. Anyway, it CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP can take control of my mind for a few seconds at a time, but it doesn’t CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP know English, so it kind of just makes chick noises. It clearly understands how phonemes work, since it can CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP make me write its noises in onomatopoeias, but I’m no biologist, what do I know?

Anyway, it might get more powerful as it ages, you might be able to get its powers if you eat it, whatever. Nonetheless, I want CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP it gone. Any price, I’ll give it for free. Call me at [REDACTED], but only on a new moon – the chick’s third eye seems to close then and I get control over my body.

Filled under: aliens, for sale By: Minerva Kizyna Tags: alien child, animals, mind control, psychic
Posted on: December 1, 2017 Comments are disabled!

For Sale: Fortune-Telling Auto-Typewriter. Fair Condition, Answers Only in Haiku

You can have it for 25 credits in any interdimensional currency, demonic favors preferred (will throw in a ream of paper). It’s fairly functional and accurate but as the ad says, it’ll only answer questions in haiku-form. Here are some questions I asked it, for instance:

Q: When and how will I die?
A: 2024–
knives flash and blood stains the ground
street covered in red

Q: How will the world end?
A: last man shuts his eyes-
the world no longer his own
now victors descend

Q: Is my wife cheating on me?
A: go check the dresser
cellphone rings in top drawer
death-knell of marriage

It’s a little vague sometimes, as you can tell, but still serviceable. Hmu, I’m willing to haggle.

Filled under: ancient artifacts, dangerous technology, esoteric furniture, for sale By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: appliances, furniture, haiku, typewriter
Posted on: December 1, 2017 Comments are disabled!

Minor god selling post-apocalyptic planet

Dominant race broke my world, that’s the long and short of it.

I’ve lost my deposit on it and insurance won’t cover me so my only option is to sell it for as much as I can get, you get what you see with this one.

I’m not even sure how they did it, I think they just nuked each other, only took a few hours and that’s my whole planet roasted.

If you’re looking to start a cockroach civilisation, that’s what I’d recommend to you. I’d do it myself but this whole thing has made me terribly depressed and I’m gonna take a breather from worldbuilding for a while and do a gap year.

There’s at least five places that escaped total annihilation, I’d recommend starting there if you’re looking to engineer a new race. Or you can bulldoze the plot and start again, I don’t care as long as I can recoup at least some of the cost.

I’m asking for half my soul expenditure, 2.2 billion Premium souls (animals were all on Free souls). I doubled up on some of them after a few centuries but I don’t think anyone noticed.

Please contact me ASAP on [ABDUCTED] or email at [REPEALED]

Filled under: for sale By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: animals, humans, planet, post-apocalypse, souls
Posted on: December 1, 2017 Comments are disabled!