cthulist.org

esoteric items, strange people, odd jobs

Monthly Archives: 

October 2017

Needed: Alchemical Laboratory

I’ve been wanting to start a lab for a while, but I just don’t have anything near me to start.

I’m looking for someone with a simple alchemy lab. I only need the glassware, the ingredients I have.

I can pay you with the gold I make with it, don’t worry about that.

Greco-Roman Glassware only, and none of the cheap Byzobaltic imitation stuff. I need at the very, very least an alembic, ductwork and a crucible.

Funny story, last one I bought blew up because it was Byzobaltic. Glass in my eye. Right in there. So I took the sellers eye and transmuted it to a lump of coal.

I’m oversharing, uh.

Call me, [removed]. Quick, they’re onto me.

Filled under: alchemical goods, for sale By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: , , ,
Posted on: October 29, 2017 Comments are disabled!

I had you exorcised, but I regret it – w4d

I had hired a priest to remove a demon from my house, as they were moving my vases around and being incredibly loud in the night. But as you left, I saw your transparent face, your gaping toothless maw and sad eyes, and knew I’d made the wrong decision. I had the priest killed in a ritual to summon you back, but had read the scripture wrong and summoned a citrus instead.

If they have internet from whence you came, I hope you can read this and come back to my home – after all, I feel that when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Phone me at [REDACTED]. To prove it’s you, tell me the colour of the table you so loved to levitate.

Filled under: missed connections, personal By: Minerva Kizyna Posted on: October 27, 2017 Comments are disabled!

Coronation Crown – hardly used

Some man-sized [REDACTED] came through my back door. He was awfully persuasive, and sold me a crown. If anyone would like to take it off my hands, it would be appreciated.

He told me it extended your life by two minutes every time someone says “God Save the King/Queen!” (depending on if you’re male or female, respectively.) I rushed to hospital, where my mother was staying, and placed it on her head, and she got better in minutes. So that bit works, I guess.

However, he didn’t tell me that it also puts you under mind control of what I assume is the [REDACTED] government, and God knows what they want.

So yeah, if you want to live forever but as a [REDACTED] slave, this might be the thing for you. Accepting any reasonable offer, send me a fax at [REDACTED], since those things have tapped my internet and my phone line.

Filled under: ancient artifacts, for sale By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: , , , ,
Posted on: October 27, 2017 Comments are disabled!

SEARCHING FOR OCCULTIST/CURSE BREAKER

WANTED: One man/woman/UNDESIGNATED knowledgeable in the occult and skilled in curses, curse breaking, and curse sealing. More details below.

Within these past few instances, it has been discovered that DESIGNATED RELIC H-44S, or more casually designated as “SATAN’S WALKING STICK” is far more than our specialists can handle. This is due to the recent resignation of our occultist, and though we wish him luck in his promising new career in DESIGNATED REALM H, we’re in a real pickle without him. His seals and curse breaking have been the only thing keeping those abominations from wreaking havoc in our office. Why, just yesterday one of them dragged DESIGNATED OPERATIVE AN-2S-00L under the fridge, and we haven’t heard from him since. Suffice to say, these things are no joke.

As a fair warning, this will be a long, tedious job. Be prepared to strap in for the long haul. Further instruction will be provided on site. There will be a substantial monetary payment for completion of this task, and we may be prepared to offer you a full-time job once all is said and done.

If interested, please meet me at DESIGNATED MEETING PLACE R-.CB this Sunday. Come any time. I’ll be waiting.

Filled under: cultists By: Fhinsikael Fexton Tags: , , ,
Posted on: October 27, 2017 Comments are disabled!

other links

become one with us

enter your email to receive updates on new listings